Grad school might just be the hardest thing I’ve ever done.
I thought I’d come into this informed about the experience, that I knew what kinds of challenges I’d face and how to approach them as I navigated a PhD. I was wrong. And that’s okay.
As I close out a very busy semester (hence the hiatus), I can’t help but reflect on what I’ve learned since September. I’ve certainly gained a few technical skills and (re)learned some things about people and building relationships. However, I think the biggest lesson for me has been that vulnerability is essential for success. In a lot of ways, grad school has been like going from high school to university all over again; I’m suddenly a little fish in a big pond with a lot of big fish and I haven’t been in this place in a while. Hell, I was even turned down for a scholarship for which I interviewed this year. That’s a lifetime first! It’s safe to say that I’ve fully left the ol’ comfort zone and we all know that growth only happens outside of that place.
I’d like to add something to that old cliché, though. You definitely need to go beyond what’s easy to grow, but you also need to accept the vulnerability that comes with being there otherwise you’ll find yourself both uncomfortable and without purpose. I think that’s where I was at some point (or many points) in the past academic year. I maybe, just might have approached this with a little too much hubris, a little too much confidence in myself. I like being a little overconfident; it gives me more space for big dreams and it’s always helped me get to the next big pond. But at some point this semester I realised that I needed to scale back and recognise how tough, ambiguous, and solitary this experience has been and very likely will continue to be.
That point in the semester followed a couple powerful conversations about vulnerability with the people I respect and admire. I saw them letting themselves be in this vulnerable state, even though they’re all rockstars in their respective areas and I saw them succeeding because of it. Obviously you can be a rockstar and vulnerable; sometimes I just need a reminder of the things I know to be true. With that in my head and my heart, I set the intention of letting myself vulnerable, of accepting the full experience of my current state and thereby letting myself learn from the challenge.
It’s been a while since I was in this place–a certain experience in the summer of 2011 comes to mind–and I’m out of practice. But it feels good to let it in and to share my vulnerability with the wonderful people around me. It’s already paying off in a few unexpected ways.
So, while grad school might be tough and surprising, I’m incredibly grateful for the learning I’ve had here–both technical and otherwise–and I’m excited to see how far it’ll take me now that I’ve decided to let it take me.
-C
Who I Used to Be 