To-Do: Keep Dreaming

Every day when I get to my office I write a To-Day list. It’s like a To-Do list, but it’s just about this day. The practice combines my passions for planning and portmanteaus* and helps me stick to my schedule by putting a timeline on my tasks. Today, my To-Day list looked like this:

It just struck me this morning that “Keep Dreaming” should be at the top of my list because I’ve been forgetting to do that lately and I don’t like it. I’m a dreamer–it’s just what I do. Or, what I usually do. I’m obviously getting rusty. Believe it or not, getting lost in my head keeps me grounded in reality; the future I see when I’m in that place requires real action, right now. I’d better put that action on my To-Day list if I want to get there! Let’s go and get that pie in the sky, kiddo! Boom! Motivated.

See, this whole PhD adventure/journey/struggle is about a dream–a big, scary future that I want to create and experience. It might seem like it’s made up of experiments and paper research and long meetings and coffee and whiteboards, but in reality I constructed it out of daydreams and unfettered possibilities and passion and naïveté. I’m here because I’m a brilliant fool and I love that! I don’t want to forget it, I need to practice this more.

So “Keep Dreaming” went on my To-Day list.

And when my experiment failed, I kept dreaming about that preferred future and in it found motivation to try again.

And when I received critical feedback on a report, I let myself dream about all of the critical feedback I’ll receive before I get that preferred future. One little bit didn’t seem so bad.

Let’s be dreamers. Let’s not forget our childhood sense of wonder, regardless of what that wonder motivates us to pursue. In fact, let’s practice it. Let’s accept the things we don’t know with the curiosity and possibility that are in our hearts.

Go get that pie in the sky, kiddo. Put it on your To-Day list for me.

-C

* – alliteration is another passion of mine.

On Accepting Vulnerability

Grad school might just be the hardest thing I’ve ever done.

I thought I’d come into this informed about the experience, that I knew what kinds of challenges I’d face and how to approach them as I navigated a PhD. I was wrong. And that’s okay.

As I close out a very busy semester (hence the hiatus), I can’t help but reflect on what I’ve learned since September. I’ve certainly gained a few technical skills and (re)learned some things about people and building relationships. However, I think the biggest lesson for me has been that vulnerability is essential for success. In a lot of ways, grad school has been like going from high school to university all over again; I’m suddenly a little fish in a big pond with a lot of big fish and I haven’t been in this place in a while. Hell, I was even turned down for a scholarship for which I interviewed this year. That’s a lifetime first! It’s safe to say that I’ve fully left the ol’ comfort zone and we all know that growth only happens outside of that place.

I’d like to add something to that old cliché, though. You definitely need to go beyond what’s easy to grow, but you also need to accept the vulnerability that comes with being there otherwise you’ll find yourself both uncomfortable and without purpose. I think that’s where I was at some point (or many points) in the past academic year. I maybe, just might have approached this with a little too much hubris, a little too much confidence in myself. I like being a little overconfident; it gives me more space for big dreams and it’s always helped me get to the next big pond. But at some point this semester I realised that I needed to scale back and recognise how tough, ambiguous, and solitary this experience has been and very likely will continue to be.

That point in the semester followed a couple powerful conversations about vulnerability with the people I respect and admire. I saw them letting themselves be in this vulnerable state, even though they’re all rockstars in their respective areas and I saw them succeeding because of it. Obviously you can be a rockstar and vulnerable; sometimes I just need a reminder of the things I know to be true. With that in my head and my heart, I set the intention of letting myself vulnerable, of accepting the full experience of my current state and thereby letting myself learn from the challenge.

It’s been a while since I was in this place–a certain experience in the summer of 2011 comes to mind–and I’m out of practice. But it feels good to let it in and to share my vulnerability with the wonderful people around me. It’s already paying off in a few unexpected ways.

So, while grad school might be tough and surprising, I’m incredibly grateful for the learning I’ve had here–both technical and otherwise–and I’m excited to see how far it’ll take me now that I’ve decided to let it take me.

-C